I’m less like Jesus, more like God

In Western culture, Jesus seems to have really mellowed people out—and that's probably for the better. But I could never really relate to the mentality. All this, "turn the other cheek," "live through love," "who wants to see a magic trick?" bullshit just seems too passive. I'm not saying that being nice to people is a terrible idea, I'm just saying that I don't trust a guy who doesn't get angry (and  I sure as fuck don't trust a magician). I mean, the guy is nailed to a bit of wood—I repeat, NAILED with nails to a bit of wood—where he left to die of dehydration, which is a pretty gruesome way to go, after being paraded through a street suffering torment and ridicule, and all he's got is a measly little whimper of, "Why God? Why have you forsaken me?" Jesus was truly the first emo kid.

God on the other hand? God didn't put up with any bullshit. How many genocides does He have under His belt? Three? Four? First time humanity pissed God off, He drown them. Not just the ones that set Him off—ALL of them. Except, of course, one family because He needed someone with hands to save the animals. I can relate to a guy that likes animals better than people.

The second time God got pissed, He killed all the first-born male children. Straight up, God sent a ghost to kill babies. Except, of course, those who got the word to slaughter a lamb and smear its blood above the door so the ghost would know that they were God's people. In essence, "Listen kids, I'm pretty pissed and I don't want to take it out on everybody like last time. So, if you kill a lamb I won't kill your baby."

The third time God got pissed, he burned the people alive. He didn't just spark a fire in the basement and jam the doors shut, y'know, like a decent person. He brought fire FROM THE SKY. He fucking rained fire and brimstone down on these people.

Now, considering the title of this post, I don't want you folks to get the wrong idea. I'm not into killing people—ideally speaking. Nor do I mean I'm exactly like God. He created the whole universe in seven days; I have to file an extension on my taxes every year. Also, God is obviously a fucking asshole. Not only did He drown the whole of humanity and then later create a baby-strangling ghost, He was also pretty shitty to the ones that did love Him. I mean, aside from the whole Jesus thing (He's God. You don't think there was a better way than putting a virgin through the misery of child birth so that He could torture and murder His kid just to, what, teach us a valuable lesson?), you might remember a guy named Job. Being a dick in order to be assured someone loves you is pretty sophomoric behavior. It's like the equivalent of, "If you break up with me I'll kill myself." It's pretty obvious that God's the kind of guy who, if He got cut off in traffic, He's following that guy home. I, on the other hand, can let that shit slide.

No, I'm not exactly like God. I'm just more like God than Jesus. The gist of it is, it's not wise to piss me off. Because—I can assure you—you'll never hear me say, "You hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it?"