LISTEN INSTEAD
I am exhausted with politeness. It's disingenuous, and being disingenuous is exhausting. Please do not think I mean to confuse polity with decency; I don't. I'm all for decency—don't kill, don't steal, don't diddle kids, shit like that. It's the politeness nonsense that's gotta go.
For instance, why are people always asking each other how they're doing when they don't really want to know? Because it's polite; it rolls off the tongue nicely? Asking me how I am when I know you don't give a shit obligates me to say something like fine, or good, or alright, or otherwise risk watching you feign concern and try to make a conversation out of the truth. I hate being dishonest and don't appreciate you putting me in that catch 22.
When someone calls me up or runs into me and says hello, I don't say, "Hi, how are ya?" I follow my hello with, "hope you're well." Why start our conversation with an interrogation? I don't like being put on the spot; I'm not going to do it to you. And anyway, hope is easy. It's cheap, it requires very little effort, and most importantly, it's honest. Everyday when I wake up, I take a piss, I wash my face, and just before putting on the coffee, I hope that everybody's well. Five seconds of hope and I'm on with my day.
You might say, "Everybody? Even the bad people?" Yes. Even the bad people.
Two reasons:
First, categorically deciding which people I should hope well and which I should hope ill or hope nothing for at all is both judgmental and time consuming. I'm not mentally prepared to be judgmental before my coffee, and even if I did give it a go, I probably wouldn't wrap before lunch. I just don't have time for that kind of shit.
Second, I have a good feeling that bad people having good days don't do as many bad things. And that's a good thing. So I hope them well.
Now, immediately after saying hello and hoping well the person that's interrupted my day, I don't go on to say, "what's up?" or "what's new?" or some other open-ended polite nonsense. I don't do this because there's a good chance this person might actually tell me! And again, time is important to me. I only have right now and I don't like my right now getting fucked up by boring stories. If I were polite, I'd say I'm sorry. But I'm not.
Another follow-up to hello I can't stand is, "What can I do for you?" I never say it. I know my capabilities. I know precisely what I can do for you. But can and will are two very different concepts. I assure you, there is very, very little I will do for you intentionally. If someone says to me, "Hey Sammi, how are ya? What can I do for you?" I say, "Well, you can pick up my dry cleaning, and when you drop it by the house you can scrub my bathroom then tongue-bathe my balls!" I don't think I'm being too presumptuous; most adult humans are capable of those three tasks.
And while we're nearing a better follow-up to hello, I still refuse to say, "What do you need?" I'm human just like you; I know precisely what you need: food, water, a bit of regular exercise, a little human interaction, and an outlet for your stress. So, instead of any of this distracting drivel, I say, "What do you want from me?" Now, I find this to be a bit wordy and would much prefer to just say, "What do you want?" The problem is, not everyone is bright enough to infer that I'm asking what it is they want from me, and may go on to tell me what they want for Christmas, or out of life, or to eat for dinner. And I'm not letting one guy's stupidity fuck up my right now just because I'm feeling a little lazy with my words. So I ask, "What do you want from me?"
I have found that this question tends to make people uncomfortable. Politeness is so ingrained in most people, they don't know what to do with the situation. I have to assure them that I understand they interrupted my day for some reason they felt important, and that it's okay to tell me what that reason is.
But even with these assurances, some people just will not come clean. They'll say things like, "Just thought we could catch up, shoot the breeze." It used to be when I'd hear this I'd do a quick inventory of my day, and if I could spare fifteen to thirty minutes, I'd shoot the breeze. But that's how I learned that this response is a dirty, rotten lie. "Just thought we could catch up" roughly translates to "I'd like to waste twenty minutes of your day before asking you for something." Now when I get this response, I say, "That sounds great. How about you get back to me with a few dates and times, and we'll get together and catch up." This is a double win. Win number one, the person is now cornered and cannot possibly backpedal into asking for something. Why? Because he'd look like an idiot! Win number two, this person will never find the time to make the time to just catch up and shoot the breeze. Instead, he will say something polite and disingenuous like, "Yea, that sounds great." Sure it does, buddy. Sure it does.
Another popular response to, "What do you want from me?" is, "Nothing! Just wanted to say hello!" To which I reply, "Great. And so you have. If there'll be nothing else, goodbye." This gets right to the point, leaves no room for work-around, and brings to a close the interruption in my day. They may think it impolite, but are too afraid of being rude to tell me so.
Lastly, I always say goodbye. I don't bother with "See you later;" I can't know the future. Maybe I won't. After all, we're all only one missed heartbeat away from death.
I also don't say things like, "have a nice day," "take care," or any new-age bullshit like, "be well." I mean, who am I to tell you how to live your life? A simple goodbye does the job nicely, albeit impolitely.
Obviously I'm not going to rid the world of polity with one rambling of solid points and infallible logic. But if I've inspired even one of you to change course and join me in building a better world of expedited no-nonsense interactions, then I have added value to my life as well as the life of others. As for the rest of you thin-skinned, weak-minded lot (yes, I'm being judgmental—I've had my coffee), I don't care how you live your lives. I just ask that if you ever feel a need to talk to me, skip with the bullshit. Get to your point. We'll both be happier in the end.
Now, if there's nothing else, I hope you're well. Goodbye.